The bearded men have been at it again. Marching around in my head with that crazed look in their eyes, obtrusively waving their wooden signs at my cerebral cortex, advertising, “The End.”
Don’t jump to conclusions. This isn’t the end of the world that they’re campaigning; it’s not even the end to anything significant. (And, just for the record, I have nothing in particular against bearded men, not even those with crazed eyes… Shifty eyes… Now, shifty eyes I take note of and cross the street.) But it is, nevertheless, an ending.
We warned you from our blogg-ed infancy to “get ‘em while they’re fresh,” and more importunately, to “get ‘em while they’re still Lemmons.” Well, we are Lemmons no longer. Cecily jumped ship, or rather, fruit stand, summer of 2009, leaving my softening rind behind to slowly ferment my way towards expiration. But with a generous helping of sugar, a bit of yeast, and an extended period of aging, I finally achieved a potency capable of inebriating any unsuspecting male. Enter tall, dark and handsome. Jason never had a chance… Try as he might to pass me by, and rest assured, he tried, he took to the concoction like uh… mother’s milk? (“Not her. Gin was mother's milk to her. Besides, he'd poured so much down his own throat that he knew the good of it.” “Do you mean that he drank?” “Drank! My word! Something chronic.”)
Haha, My Fair Lady. Oh hi. It’s Cecily, in the flesh. Or, rather in the blue ink. I was about to choose red, but we all know how heinous that would’ve been. (lemmon/lews/claytons…well at least one clayton…bleed blue. Go cougs.) Just wanted to cut into Jessica’s writing, like when our whole family gets together and we talk louder and louder to be heard over one another’s story-telling escapades. Caution, you may want to turn down the volume on your computer now. This blog could get loud. Okay, back to Jessica’s much more sophisticated, (and slightly weird, I mean bearded men?), writing. So, we couldn't do blue ink... you'll have to live with the bold thing.
“Is this it, then?” the question you are no doubt asking yourself, and you are not alone. (Because our Mom at least is reading this and tearfully choking on the same inquiry.) The answer: Yes. And No. I mean, honestly, won’t our legacy endure in the minds and hearts of every devoted and beloved reader. How could we possibly go silently into the night when champions such as Randy Punjab and Pink Felt Jesus live on? O rise up, dear readers, and be men! Fresh courage take! Every time you think about home cereal dispensers(oh man, all the time), employ the 10% rule, attend a candlelight vigil at the skatepark with skating to follow, get pooped on by rogue seagulls; we will be there. Together we will rise above the indifference and injustice of this harsh world and, yes, we will live on through all of you!
Can I get a “what, what?!”
…
Bleak. Ok, so, nope, it looks like this is it.
But let’s face it, we never wrote that much in the first place. (True.) Most of the comments and emails we received pertaining to this blog were along the same vein of complaint regarding our lack of generation, and requests for more consistency. Well, no. We will be your slaves no more! No taxation without representation!
It doesn’t matter anyway, the world will end on May 21st of this year anyway and with our track record there is no way that we’d produce another entry between now and then. Oh, yeah, you haven’t heard? Jason and I were driving down some obscure road cut through fields somewhere between Vacaville and the lush and prosperous Wheatland, California (our new home… well, at least for a few months, before it burns into oblivion with the rest of the world.) (“Summer Wheatly?! How the heck are you going ot do that?!”) when we saw the billboard floating about 3 feet off the ground, flushed in a glorious halo of light, trumpet equipped cherubim circling overhead, “MAY 21, 2011—The Bible assures it!” Below this prophetic proclamation a radio station was cited. We immediately knew that this was the biggest load we’d ever seen, so naturally, we tuned our radio to the suggested station. I wish I could share what we learned, but I honestly remember nothing… I just looked up the website for a true journalistic edge (Cecily is much better at that) and I don’t know that I got much out of that, either. It was like “Blah, blah, blah, You’re all gonna die, Blah, blah, May, 21st, Blah.” But from what I can tell the “rapture” will begin on May 21, followed by complete annihilation five months later on October 21st. All I can say is that my birthday is safe (the 5th of October, mark it down), so let’s make sure those gifts are good. Cecily and Bob... eh, not as lucky… Go ahead and return those gifts. (We’ll be celebrating my half birthday, mark it down, April 23rd, which will now fall before Jessica’s, so feel free to spend the bulk of your best gift ideas on me).
I’m not really sure what else they claim, and mostly I got bored looking at their site after about 2 minutes. But it got me thinking… I need jic (just in case) bucket list. So, here it is in it’s sixth revision:
- Skydiving- This is a popular choice, but need not be excluded simply because of it’s commonality.
- Children- Multiply and replenish, baby. Multiply and replenish--- scratch that, no time.
Run a marathon- I mean who doesn’t want to try something that killed the first guy who did it? Maybe I’ll do mine in mid October so I don’t miss out on much.
Cecily’s:
Eat an entire carton of ice-cream in one sitting-not such a popular choice, especially for the lactose-intolerant.
Own a season pass to Disneyland
Become a pre-teen Disney Channel Star-eh, probably missed the boat on this one
Now an interruption by Jason...
While we’re on the subject of the world being all topsy turvy, I saw in the news that the Astrological signs we’ve all been basing our professional and personal lives on are off by about a month (from here on out I’m sticking to Fortune Cookies to guide my future, just another example of China’s growing influence.) Even more disconcerting than the astrologers’ inability to use a calendar was the fact the 25% of the population believes that your sign has any bearing on anything. (Interesting side note: Given the anguished posts by some of my Facebook friends, I know more people than I thought that fall into the “25%.” Ahh, the wonders of social media.) Anyways, add that to the .0001% of the population that believes the world is coming to an end in 10 months and this is shaping up to be a pretty rough year for 25.0001% of the population. Just keep that in mind the next time someone cuts you off on the freeway or splashes all over the toilet seat in the PR’s, maybe it’s just not their year.
Well, this seems like a good place to end… I’m not saying you killed it, Jason, but… well, honestly in some sense you did. You and Matt…. Regular old ruffians and murderers... And so, it is with a heavy heart that we bid thee farewell, from the golden fields of aspiring adults, stretching our wings in a sky of dreams and possibilities and… hey, there’s Icarus! Cool spiraling down move, man! But as they say, “When God closes a door, he opens a window.” (And when Jason opens a drawer, I close it… over and over and over… :) So, we open for you two windows… windows into whole new realms of ridiculousness. So, here are our family blogs... check them out, add them to your bookmarks, hope for humor, pray for regularity, expect… the end of the world.
http://www.yourlewsnews.blogspot.com/
http://theresponsiblehaircut.blogspot.com/
